Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
