I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
