Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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