I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
