woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
