Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize