Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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