i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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