The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
