The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
