On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
