Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
