We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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