I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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