I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
