dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
