I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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