I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
