I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
