She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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