the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
