If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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