Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
