I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
