You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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