On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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