I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
