please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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