once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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