the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
