My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize