it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just want nice things and good sex
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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