The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
