Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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