woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
