When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
