Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
