how can u be prego again
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
