Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
