Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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