He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
