John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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