Where is the hickey?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
