You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
