I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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