finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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