oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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