Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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