do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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