Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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