What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
