i just had sex bonerless
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
