Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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