her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
