Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
