This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
