Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
