I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
