My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
