i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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