i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
