When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
