it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
